Breastfeeding was such a source of stress for me the first time around. I had taken a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant with my first daughter to prepare myself, but, of course, I had no idea what it would feel like or how it would work in real life vs. on paper. I was determined to breastfeed my first born exclusively, so the pressure was really on.
Since I was awake and feeding the baby, I chose those times to frantically email friends who were moms to ask them for advice. In retrospect, it is interesting the questions that I had even though I knew the answers in theory before having had a baby. How does pumping work? How long should I let the baby feed for? How do I know she is getting enough? My friends patiently answered my questions, night after night.
I stayed by the book with M. I fed her every 2-3 hours on the dot. There was one time when we were at the three hour mark, and M was wailing, and I tried desperately to get her to nurse, but she just wouldn’t. I tried to get her to latch, and it only made her cry louder. At that moment, I became so stressed that she was going to miss a feeding and be so hungry. Luckily, I had my sane and calm mother to sweep her out of my arms and rock her while reassuring me that M would be fine to take a break. M and I both rested, and an hour later, both of us had calmed down, and M latched and fed.
M was 2 months old when I tried to introduce a bottle. I was worried that if I introduced it too early, then she would take to the bottle and forget how to breastfeed. What was I thinking?! I had to return to work in a few short weeks, and now, M refused to take the bottle. I stuck with the same bottle nipple, tried just to give the bottle nipple alone to play with, tried leaving the room, tried leaving the house, yet M continued to refuse. M would cry when the bottle was in front of her, then fall asleep. When I would bring her back to me to nurse, she latched right away. My worries went from fear that she would not latch to would she only ever want to nurse? It took persistence on our part, but M did gradually take the bottle of breastmilk.
Breastfeeding was easier with my second daughter, E. I was more relaxed, knowing that I had breastfed before, and I think she sensed that. She also latched immediately, and I again breathed a sigh of relief. When she came home, I realized how different I was with her. She would sometimes feed only on one side and fall asleep, and I didn’t feel the need to force her to feed on the other side. Rather than sticking to a strict schedule I set of feeding every two to three hours, I followed her cues more. Sometimes she fed fifteen minutes, sometimes only five minutes. I reassured myself from not sticking to a schedule by knowing that she was having regular wet diapers and stools. But don’t think I wasn’t itching to go to her routine weight checks at the doctor’s office to see if she was gaining weight.
The second time around, I introduced a bottle to E at one month, and I was so proud of myself for starting earlier, learning for my previous mistake. But E didn’t take the bottle either! She pushed it away and turned her face away. I again worried about returning to work and having a baby who might refuse the bottle during the day, but I at least reassured myself that she would make up for missed feedings somehow (most likely with feedings at night). Luckily, after I returned to work, my mother called me with happy news – E decided to take the bottle! I wish I had taken confidence in the fact that from the beginning, both girls latched and breastfed well, and maybe introduced the bottle earlier, even just once a day, so they would be used to both.
I do think it helped to be more relaxed the second time around. E herself seemed more relaxed. The first time around, I was so set on keeping an exact schedule, that if there was any interruption or if anyone stepped outside of that schedule, I stressed that it would affect M. Looking back, did M sense my stress the first few weeks, which made her upset too? However, I do think I took some comfort in having a schedule, reassured that the baby was fed and that the baby knew what to expect through the day. If, the first time around, I fed M for only 5 min or only on one side like I did with E, I would only wonder if M was feeding enough. I do wish I had more confidence the first time around. Since M was having wet diapers and stools regularly, she definitely was getting enough milk. In the end, both girls grew and continue to grow, so whichever way I ended up choosing to feed them, it couldn’t have been too bad.
