When my oldest daughter was a baby, I sleep trained her early on, and I was very fortunate that she slept through the night for the next 2 and a half years. We had a little blip when we transitioned her from the crib to a bed, but some additional sleep training did the trick.
And then she turned 3 years old. I had noticed a pattern when talking to patients that their 3 year olds were fighting sleep. It is a tough age because they may be outgrowing their naps at 3 years old. After napping during the day, it may be hard to put them down to sleep at night. However, if they don’t nap, then comes the evening meltdown, screaming and crying and whining about anything and everything, and then all that behavior makes it hard for them to calm down to go to sleep at night, too!
For me, it started with my daughter asking for an extra bedtime story at night…an extra sip of water…she had to go to the bathroom one more time…she was “not sleepy”…she was hot. I must say, she was a bottomless pit of excuses; I wish I could think of that many ideas on the fly.
At the beginning, we accommodated her requests. She got her extra bedtime story, we kissed goodnight and left. And then she would call us back. She kept calling us back for whatever other excuse she thought of. Then the reasons turned into “I’m scared”, “It’s too dark”. Then she started running out of her room screaming and crying for us. We needed to fix this.
**Before I continue, please note that as I tell you the methods we tried, I promise I love my daughter and that I care for her, and I was doing the best I could with a goal of a happy sleeping daughter and happy sleeping parents. Now 2 years later, my daughter and I are currently on good speaking terms. :)**
I Googled and I brainstormed on how to quicken what turned into an hour process every night.
When she ran to our room, screaming and crying, we took her back to her bed and placed her in bed and left. I told my husband not to interact with her when he was the one taking her back. She ran back to our room.
We tried leaving the light on in her room. We left her bedroom door open. That wasn’t enough. Now she wanted the hall light on also. We did that for a few days, trying to turn off the light in the hall after she fell asleep. Then I decided it was ridiculous to leave the light on in the hall all night and stopped turning it on. She cried.
Another time we tried a bedtime pass that a friend told me about here. We gave her an old door hanger and told her she could call us back in each night for one more thing, but then had to give up the pass and she could not call us back anymore. She used her pass each night to ask for something, gave us the pass…but then still called us back! She screamed (blood curdling screams!) and cried until we returned. Then after a week, she refused to take the pass at all at bedtime. This girl was smarter than my husband and me.
I couldn’t take the screaming and running back and forth anymore, so another time I decided to sit on the floor until she fell asleep. I sat on the floor in silence, not responding to her if she said something. Then I had to tiptoe out after I was sure she was in a deep sleep. I didn’t have time to do that every night! That method was out.
I tried kids meditation with her, turning her light out if she ran to our room, giving her our old t-shirts to keep in bed with her so “we would always be with her”. I tried a behavior chart where she earned stickers everytime she went to sleep on her own at night. The chart went weeks without stickers. I tried every single thing I could think of, but no one was going to sleep on time, and everyone was getting frustrated.
I decided to break down her sleep reward chart down further. We made categories for brushing her teeth, changing her clothes, going to the bathroom – things she was already doing every night. Then there was the row for “going to sleep”. We went over the chart every night, kept our routine, and she happily added stickers for the things she did – brushing her teeth, etc. – but unfortunately the “going to sleep” category was still left blank. We explained to her she could not earn that sticker until she went to sleep by herself without calling us. She would stare off, and I could see the wheels turning in her head.
One magical day, M said to me, “I am turning four soon, so I will go to sleep by myself!” Just like potty training, she had to decide she was ready to do it. And can you believe it, she went to sleep one night and did not wake up until the next morning! The next morning we celebrated, telling her we were proud of her for going to sleep on her own. From then on, she earned her stickers for going to sleep at night, until we eventually stopped charting her bedtime because she was sleeping every night! And yes, she was almost four and this process took almost an entire year!!
When I had my second daughter, I was very aware of the problems that might come after she turned 3 years old. But I kept especially consistent with her bedtime; never started turning on the lights for her at night; only came back for one extra hug and kiss, but nothing after; and a few times, let her whimper a bit until she realized it wouldn’t work and just went to sleep. I think I tried too many methods with my older daughter, and since she wasn’t getting any consistency, she didn’t know what to expect from me and in that sense, she actually did not have a routine at bedtime. Without that consistency and routine, she could test me more, push me more, and I was at a loss. For my younger daughter, I think I didn’t give her room to try to test me, so she never really did. Oh, and it also helps that she still sleeps in her crib. I don’t need any more children showing up at my door at night!
Medical Mommy Musings:
- Bedtime can be tough, but I think sticking to whatever routine you choose will help the child feel more secure, and then she will know what the expectations are at night.
- Along with sticking to a routine, when a child starts to try to break away from the bedtime routine, stick with a method to get them back to sleep that works for you. If it works for you to start them in your bed and then take her to her bed, then that’s your routine. Now I will say, if you came to me and said you were interested in getting your child out of your bed, then I would suggest some other methods. But just because I am doing something different, doesn’t mean it is the right way for you. Look at how many methods failed on me before M started going to sleep at night!
- Don’t give in! Personally, I need my own bed at night, so it was not an option for my daughter to come into our bed. A few times when we were exhausted from the screaming and the running back and forth, my husband asked me, “can we just let her sleep in our bed tonight?” Each time I firmly said no, because I knew it would never just be one time with M. M was stubborn, and where do you think she got it from? I was going to be stubborn right back.
