The thought of returning to work was always looming in my head during my maternity leave. After the initial shock of the first month of having had my first baby, M, I then thought about how I needed to prepare over time a new routine for my return to work. I certainly felt sad about returning to work after being home with the baby, but a part of me was excited to return to work — to see my coworkers and patients again, and if truth be told, I thought it might be good to get a little break from being with the baby all the time.
The first month after having the baby was all about survival for me. I was feeding the baby frequently, and if I wasn’t feeding her, I was trying to get her to “learn” to fall asleep. After about 2 months, I decided it was time to get her into a routine. My goal was to have her feed at the same times everyday and to sleep in between, and to go to sleep around the same time every night.
I am very fortunate that I have family in the area to watch my daughters. I thought, for my and my mother’s sake, it would help for us to all be on the same page about exact times to feed the baby. I fell into feedings at every 3 hours, the same exact times each day, hoping that M would also fall into the routine (as much as a 2 month old can know the time of day), and so that I would know regular times to pump at work.
So I breastfed at regular intervals. The introduction of the bottle was a disaster, as I’ve talked about before, but we kept steadfast at offering the bottle with expressed breast milk at least once a day. The days passed quickly by, and soon enough, I had to return to work in just a week.
For my first day back to work, I woke up one hour earlier than I ever used to before the baby (goodbye sleep). I breastfed M as soon as I woke up; she went back to sleep; and I prepped my pumping supplies for the day. M was up by the time I was about to leave for work, and I just stared at her. I had gotten attached to this little nugget, and I was very tearful. I was more upset than I thought I would be about going back to work, and I thought about what I would be missing at home while I was away.
To add to my concerns, M had been doing this particular movement with her body, and I worried about a particular disease that could be manifesting. She was doing it again that morning, and it made me even more upset. I also worried about missing out on M going through her developmental milestones–would I miss her first sitting up? Her first crawl? Her first step? Her first word?? My mother, as always, reassured me about all these things, and I left for the day. That morning, I did not feel relief from leaving my daughter. It was truly sad to break our bond.
The workday went smoothly, fortunately. Everyone at work was helpful and accommodating. I had read somewhere to bring something that smells like the baby and pictures of the baby to help with my let down when pumping at work. I had dutifully brought baby lotion from home (what else could I bring, burp cloths???), and I had millions of pictures on my phone, but instead I spent my time pumping to work on my notes. Pumping went smoothly, and I was able to pump at my regular intervals, the same times M fed at home.
Then during the workday, the secretary grabbed me and told me my mother was on the phone. My heart dropped, and I panicked as I picked up the phone thinking what could have possibly happened on the first day of me being away! It turned out M had been refusing one of her bottles for the past hour, and my mother asked me what I wanted her to do. My heart came back into place, and I told her just to take a break and try again at the next feeding. I was relieved it was nothing more serious!!
As the days went on, everything became more routine. I would be excited to come home and scoop M into my arms. And as it would turn out, the disease I was worried about M getting turned out to be her just trying to roll over! It made so much sense when I saw her roll completely over and her making the same face she had been making for the past week. Also, the sadness I had felt about not getting to see the first time she met developmental milestones dissipated over time, because it was still exciting for me when I first saw her do various milestones. It still felt like she was doing it for the first time. And I am sure my mother was careful not to make a big deal about her developmental milestones because she knew how much it meant to me to see her do things for the first time.
Along with being overwhelmed with being a first time mother, there were also so many other emotions about now being a working mother. Just as I believe a baby benefits from a routine for her day, me having a regular routine also allowed me to feel security in getting everything done in a day. Being the type of person I am, it helped me to start preparing way in advance of going to work to allow myself time to adjust to a new schedule and for M to adapt to a routine. It is hard being away from home, but it just makes that drive home that much sweeter and that time with the kids that much more precious.
